Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Loren: On Moving to New Places. Literally.

I've been in Melbourne....for, let's say, a while.

I've changed schools, changed university courses, changed hair styles, dressing styles, changed friends, changed personality, changed outlooks, changed loves, changed ambitions and above all, changed homes. Quite a bit, actually.

Every year, once. And quite regularly, twice.

And its funny to say this without some sappy Hollywood movie music playing behind me, but every time I move, its always significant.

Yes, of course a change in address is significant. But I mean, it always heralds in a new point in my life. (or new-old point, sometimes.) And after moving, I can also confidently tell you, without a hint of skepticism that where I move to, with whom, and more importantly, my mindset at that point of time, tends to let me know what the following year is going to be like. Usually.

Last year, when I moved with my brother, sister-in-law and Miss Know-it-all, I remember thinking that it was going to be a family oriented year. A ton of family issues and grudges was going to be exposed, most of them were not going to be addressed, and damn it, I am going to be unhappily stuck in whoopwhoop land (some slang term referring to the outer suburbs) for another year. But hey, let's keep an optimistic outlook. Maybe my brother and I will have an easier relationship after all this.

(I was glad to be moving out of Kingsbury. I moved there, heartbroken over n2, and furious over my brother's betrayal....and those were dark memories that I wished to get away from.)

A year later, we kind of do. But its still riddled with tension, awkwardness and distrust. The only difference is, we see each other now as who we are now, and not as kids. Sort of. Its a work of very slow and unimportant progress.

This time, things have changed. I still have to adhere to my parent's financial restraints, but I got to choose where I wanted to stay and with whom. I moved to Fairfield, which is exactly an equal distance from school and the city. Sweet. Its a nice house, really. Nicest bathroom I have ever had. Modern furnishings. I don't know much about my housemates, but its too early to tell. So far they are easy going. And hopeless in the kitchen...which means I'll probably get to rule the kitchen. Awesome. And in any case, I have learnt that I don't need to be chums with my housemates. We just need to be cordial and friendly. The neighborhood is quaint, I still feel a little out of place here, but I'll get used to it.

When I moved from Plenty, I was...*hesitate* heartshattered. Okay, maybe not quite heartbroken, but shattered, which sounds better. I wanted to get away from that house and the pleasant and unpleasant memories. An escape from a place I felt trapped and unseen and unappreciated. Moving here, and knowing that very few people know exactly where I am, I can draw a proper breath, in hiding. I do feel a little wistful about that room, but not that house.

I feel...hopeful in this house. I feel, like, how I have not felt for awhile now, rejuvenated. Refocused. Rethinky. Like I can choose now, for myself, who and what I want to be. Although its sobering to think of how solo I am here, at the same time, there is no pressure for me to match any one else's rhythm or pace. I can work things out on my own now.

I don't know whether I am just in denial, or maybe I didn't really love him, but I don't feel as devastated anymore. I know how awful I felt, but because it was a place that I had been through before, I knew what I had to do. Perhaps I really did learn my lesson from my previous heartbreak. Maybe it was the combination of Tilly getting irritated with me, Miss Chan implementing her "Don't care, don't feel" methods into me, my males friends rallying around me, the new friendship with Ju, or maybe it was my ex, the first heartbreak who reappeared into my life with closure - the combination of all these factors that make me, all right now.

I do feel shaky from time to time. I know that I am okay now, because I am away from him. I worry, that when he returns that I will get swept up in it again....but I know, that if it happens, its just something I have to go through, and I will get through it. Maybe what Tilly says is true. Our story isn't finished yet. I don't know, but for now, I need to make my own ending, for me.

I have reasoned it all out very neatly in my head, thinking about what happened, filing all the information and advice I have been given, tempered with my own judgement and knowledge of the subject - and came out with a conclusion that ties everything together cleanly.

What will be, will be.

I am happy that it happened. It would have been nice if it had developed, but since it won't, I am glad for what I already have experienced.

Its the same thought when it comes to moving house. I am always a little sad to leave the familiar, but its the thought of endless possibilities that gently pushes me forward to take that next step.

2010 had a rocky start, but its starting to look brighter now. Not because there are good things coming (that I know of), but simply because its empty. Which means, I get to choose what to fill it with.

Its called hope.

And knowing that, allows me to smile.

Hey, what do you know. An actual picture of me, sitting on the edge of a wall, staring out at the infinite possibilities. Haha. Corny.

And yes, that really is me. (last year)

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