Thursday, January 28, 2010

Vox Populi

I feel sick, emanating from my heart.

Tell-tale signs of a broken heart.

I'm trying to ensure that I learn from my previous lessons. I am keeping busy, I am doing what needs to be done, determined not to let this broken organ deter me from the bigger picture.

But, the tears prick my eyelids as I pack and discard my belongings, a quiver lingers in the corners of my smile, and no matter how I try, my voice just can't be lifted any higher from its monotonous state. It hurts and it is nauseous and it sickens and it weeps and it aches and it cracks with every breath I drag in.

So I am doing things, I am looking normal, I am showered and dressed - but make no mistake.

My foolish heart is shattered and the pieces lie heavy in my chest.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Loren: Attempt no. 971907197361636741522873220987....

We've been remiss, as Tilly mentioned.

And although it may sound incredulous, but this blog was never too far from my mind. There was just too much happening in our lives, so much worry and unsettlement, that writing about it seemed to be another form of punishment. Not just for us, but unto the world. Afterall, who enjoys reading another blog that whines about the lives of two (rather) spoilt singaporean girls?

As for me personally, I have issues when it comes to writing. Its never good enough for me, and I am haunted by the fact that I am so horribly lacking when it comes to being able to write. There is a love-hate relationship between writing and myself, of Shakespearean proportions.

Tilly thinks that I can write. But lets face it, she looks at me from behind thick love-goggles and would probably tell me I look awesome even if I just emerged from the jungle after being lost for a month, with snakes in my haystack hair and remnants of tree bark chewing between my black teeth. And smelled so bad even skunks would shudder.

So her opinions, are a tad lopsided when it comes to me.

Still, I have been trying hard not to be too hard on myself. Especially since I am trying to get back some of my youthful enthusiasm for knowledge. I used to love acquiring knowledge, but one day I just.......burnt out. The flame extinguished from too much stress, from my own constant hatred that I was too slow, too stupid, too awful a human being because I couldn't get through Plato's Republic. I've bitterly hated myself ever since, for straying off the path of learning, and hating that I was too scared to try again.

But, I have hope for this year. I won't say that I am going to brave and whatnot, rather, I'm just.... going to do it. Slowly. Carefully. For myself. Not for grades. Not for proving myself to others. Just simply.....for my own quiet pleasure. Pleasure of learning, of discovering.

Standing in the battered fortress of my own self-image, I'm going to rebuild my foundation to be stronger. Interlacing my past ideals with current realism, altering what I thought I always should be with what I can be, choosing what I want to become for me, not conforming to the stereotypes, attempt to have a healthy balance between the surface and the depth.

Honestly, I don't know if I can. There is still so much I have to deal with right now, and I can no longer cry off those responsibilities, nor hope that someone else will deal with it. My courage is whisper-thin and as flimsy as smoke. I am overwhelmed by the amount of failure I have acquired, and I know that I will continue failing as long as I keep trying.

There is no perfect score for this. Its a constant effort.

But I have to try. Once more, I am going to try.

The only difference now though, is that I'm not doing this because I have to, but because I want to. For myself, and no one else.

I suppose that this entry doesn't make much sense, but its a start. And the thing about beginnings? Its always something to look forward to. :)

Monday, January 4, 2010

tilly: Christmas songs make me happpyyy!!!

Yes dear all, I am still listening to Christmas music. It never fails to make me smile!

Another thing that is making me smile at the moment is going through this blog. I am down to #833 and I have lost count of the awesome things that resonate with me and the author. Things like sitting at the kids table, taking out your contact lens at the end of the day and pushing those little buttons on the soft drink cup lid!!! Come on! I am sure that many of you have done that and it's very likely that 85% (from my very own studies) of those lids come from the Golden Arches.

The new work year starts tomorrow and I am not too sure what I will be wearing. You see, in the past 6 months, I have become...quite round. Face is now rounder than round. I have become so big that Loren can sense it from where she is sitting when she exclaimed **"SO FAT". On G chat. With no webcam. That is how round I am now. Well, I would give the guy below a run for his money.

And sumos earn quite a bit of money I think? So that would also mean that I am a rich and fat bitch. So bow to me and maybe I might buy you that Louboutins that you yearn for.

**Loren doesn't actually possess psychic abilities. It was from a conversation totally non-related to food, fat or me.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

tilly: 2010

I cannot for the life of me, stand the last post now.

I think it's fairly, nearly safe to say that I do no longer want to love you or think of you and even hear your name anymore. I shudder when that happens sometimes.

The last six months have been trying for both Loren and I. It occurred to me on many occasions that there was no mention of this blog. From Loren to me or from me to Loren. We kind of just didn't mention it. I don't know if Loren felt that this was going to die off and felt sad about the blog dying but I think there were occasions where I felt that way.

Both of us are hoping that 2010 would be better. I can hear Loren asking better in what way. Maybe she will address this in the next post.

On a side note, what's your playlist for today???

I've been listening to a Christmas compilation by Starbucks. And the track, It's Cold Outside by Willie Nelson and Norah Jones is an absolute standout.

PostScript: Willie Nelson is probably the only person that can get away with a name like Willie.