Thursday, January 7, 2010

Loren: Attempt no. 971907197361636741522873220987....

We've been remiss, as Tilly mentioned.

And although it may sound incredulous, but this blog was never too far from my mind. There was just too much happening in our lives, so much worry and unsettlement, that writing about it seemed to be another form of punishment. Not just for us, but unto the world. Afterall, who enjoys reading another blog that whines about the lives of two (rather) spoilt singaporean girls?

As for me personally, I have issues when it comes to writing. Its never good enough for me, and I am haunted by the fact that I am so horribly lacking when it comes to being able to write. There is a love-hate relationship between writing and myself, of Shakespearean proportions.

Tilly thinks that I can write. But lets face it, she looks at me from behind thick love-goggles and would probably tell me I look awesome even if I just emerged from the jungle after being lost for a month, with snakes in my haystack hair and remnants of tree bark chewing between my black teeth. And smelled so bad even skunks would shudder.

So her opinions, are a tad lopsided when it comes to me.

Still, I have been trying hard not to be too hard on myself. Especially since I am trying to get back some of my youthful enthusiasm for knowledge. I used to love acquiring knowledge, but one day I just.......burnt out. The flame extinguished from too much stress, from my own constant hatred that I was too slow, too stupid, too awful a human being because I couldn't get through Plato's Republic. I've bitterly hated myself ever since, for straying off the path of learning, and hating that I was too scared to try again.

But, I have hope for this year. I won't say that I am going to brave and whatnot, rather, I'm just.... going to do it. Slowly. Carefully. For myself. Not for grades. Not for proving myself to others. Just simply.....for my own quiet pleasure. Pleasure of learning, of discovering.

Standing in the battered fortress of my own self-image, I'm going to rebuild my foundation to be stronger. Interlacing my past ideals with current realism, altering what I thought I always should be with what I can be, choosing what I want to become for me, not conforming to the stereotypes, attempt to have a healthy balance between the surface and the depth.

Honestly, I don't know if I can. There is still so much I have to deal with right now, and I can no longer cry off those responsibilities, nor hope that someone else will deal with it. My courage is whisper-thin and as flimsy as smoke. I am overwhelmed by the amount of failure I have acquired, and I know that I will continue failing as long as I keep trying.

There is no perfect score for this. Its a constant effort.

But I have to try. Once more, I am going to try.

The only difference now though, is that I'm not doing this because I have to, but because I want to. For myself, and no one else.

I suppose that this entry doesn't make much sense, but its a start. And the thing about beginnings? Its always something to look forward to. :)

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