Sunday, May 29, 2011

Loren: To remember

Tonight. Just as Len (aka the boymanfriend) is about to go to sleep in my bed, I ask him.

"Honey, do you want me to get into bed and cuddle you to sleep?"

He looks at me with slumberous eyes and shakes his head a little. "No, its ok. Continue playing your game." (I was killing zombies in L4d, if you must know)

I bit my lip. Glanced at the computer screen, 'Still alive? Okay.' and at him. "Its just a game. I can stop."

He smiles at me, rather sweetly, although he'd never believe his face capable of displaying such an emotion.

"Thats ok. Its good enough that I'll get to wake up next to you tomorrow."

With that, I continued blasting the heads off zombies, but with a warm tingle around my heart. Every now and then, I am reminded of how good we have it, while we still have it.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Loren: Ask

How strange is it, to feel like you're in a fight with someone but not knowing what is it that you have done that was so wrong that the other person couldnt even be bothered to resolve it with you? That the person just gave up? That the person just stopped caring about you?

And then I wonder. How long will it take for me to stop wondering, when this small ache in my heart will go away, and when will I reach the same stage of "whatever-ness" that you are at.

When did it change that the one who cares becomes the bad guy?
Why is it that asking not to be forgotten, makes you selfish?
How is it that we became this way?
Does trying to fight against this make me a fool?

Above all, am I the only one asking all these questions?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Loren: Is anyone listening?

Give me the strength to continue forward, to deal with all trials that cross my path, one after another.

Give me the heart to not falter from the choices I have made, to keep pieces intact for myself.

Give me the faith to believe in myself and my self-worth.

And if possibly, just possibly...give me some luck, cut me some slack in at least one area of my life?

I really need help here. I'm doing the best I can for one person.

I'd be very, very grateful for some positivity right now.

Thank you.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Loren: On Moving to New Places. Literally.

I've been in Melbourne....for, let's say, a while.

I've changed schools, changed university courses, changed hair styles, dressing styles, changed friends, changed personality, changed outlooks, changed loves, changed ambitions and above all, changed homes. Quite a bit, actually.

Every year, once. And quite regularly, twice.

And its funny to say this without some sappy Hollywood movie music playing behind me, but every time I move, its always significant.

Yes, of course a change in address is significant. But I mean, it always heralds in a new point in my life. (or new-old point, sometimes.) And after moving, I can also confidently tell you, without a hint of skepticism that where I move to, with whom, and more importantly, my mindset at that point of time, tends to let me know what the following year is going to be like. Usually.

Last year, when I moved with my brother, sister-in-law and Miss Know-it-all, I remember thinking that it was going to be a family oriented year. A ton of family issues and grudges was going to be exposed, most of them were not going to be addressed, and damn it, I am going to be unhappily stuck in whoopwhoop land (some slang term referring to the outer suburbs) for another year. But hey, let's keep an optimistic outlook. Maybe my brother and I will have an easier relationship after all this.

(I was glad to be moving out of Kingsbury. I moved there, heartbroken over n2, and furious over my brother's betrayal....and those were dark memories that I wished to get away from.)

A year later, we kind of do. But its still riddled with tension, awkwardness and distrust. The only difference is, we see each other now as who we are now, and not as kids. Sort of. Its a work of very slow and unimportant progress.

This time, things have changed. I still have to adhere to my parent's financial restraints, but I got to choose where I wanted to stay and with whom. I moved to Fairfield, which is exactly an equal distance from school and the city. Sweet. Its a nice house, really. Nicest bathroom I have ever had. Modern furnishings. I don't know much about my housemates, but its too early to tell. So far they are easy going. And hopeless in the kitchen...which means I'll probably get to rule the kitchen. Awesome. And in any case, I have learnt that I don't need to be chums with my housemates. We just need to be cordial and friendly. The neighborhood is quaint, I still feel a little out of place here, but I'll get used to it.

When I moved from Plenty, I was...*hesitate* heartshattered. Okay, maybe not quite heartbroken, but shattered, which sounds better. I wanted to get away from that house and the pleasant and unpleasant memories. An escape from a place I felt trapped and unseen and unappreciated. Moving here, and knowing that very few people know exactly where I am, I can draw a proper breath, in hiding. I do feel a little wistful about that room, but not that house.

I feel...hopeful in this house. I feel, like, how I have not felt for awhile now, rejuvenated. Refocused. Rethinky. Like I can choose now, for myself, who and what I want to be. Although its sobering to think of how solo I am here, at the same time, there is no pressure for me to match any one else's rhythm or pace. I can work things out on my own now.

I don't know whether I am just in denial, or maybe I didn't really love him, but I don't feel as devastated anymore. I know how awful I felt, but because it was a place that I had been through before, I knew what I had to do. Perhaps I really did learn my lesson from my previous heartbreak. Maybe it was the combination of Tilly getting irritated with me, Miss Chan implementing her "Don't care, don't feel" methods into me, my males friends rallying around me, the new friendship with Ju, or maybe it was my ex, the first heartbreak who reappeared into my life with closure - the combination of all these factors that make me, all right now.

I do feel shaky from time to time. I know that I am okay now, because I am away from him. I worry, that when he returns that I will get swept up in it again....but I know, that if it happens, its just something I have to go through, and I will get through it. Maybe what Tilly says is true. Our story isn't finished yet. I don't know, but for now, I need to make my own ending, for me.

I have reasoned it all out very neatly in my head, thinking about what happened, filing all the information and advice I have been given, tempered with my own judgement and knowledge of the subject - and came out with a conclusion that ties everything together cleanly.

What will be, will be.

I am happy that it happened. It would have been nice if it had developed, but since it won't, I am glad for what I already have experienced.

Its the same thought when it comes to moving house. I am always a little sad to leave the familiar, but its the thought of endless possibilities that gently pushes me forward to take that next step.

2010 had a rocky start, but its starting to look brighter now. Not because there are good things coming (that I know of), but simply because its empty. Which means, I get to choose what to fill it with.

Its called hope.

And knowing that, allows me to smile.

Hey, what do you know. An actual picture of me, sitting on the edge of a wall, staring out at the infinite possibilities. Haha. Corny.

And yes, that really is me. (last year)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

My name is

tilly and I am a workaholic.

I left an increasingly excruciating and frustrating 9-5 which I sort of loved. Well, I loved the work, the constant flow of escalations (made even more by the lack of managerial guidance). It was good. But it was enough. I have had enough of fixing up other people's mistakes and having no thanks. Or no sorrys' after the high-ups found out that it wasn't me or my team that made the mistakes. It was a thankless job. Well, most jobs are I suppose and I craved more or nothing at all. I was also ready for the next step but there was no sign of it in the near future.

My last day was Friday, 5th Feb. There were no sad goodbyes. I was no longer Canon 6 months ago and was a short-time employee with Datacom who explicitly said they do not do send-offs. No love lost anywhere. Vivienne was worried what would happen come Monday and Amanda wrote what was she going to do without me since we were the same person (another story for another day).

I do admit that while I was more than happy to take the next step in a new chapter of my life, I am feeling quite some withdrawals. I miss the comfort of a 9-5 job and having no steady income into my bank. I don't like that but I could not stay there anymore. And I have wanted to travel for the longest time and it's now happening. I am scared (finally!) but excited.

One year from now, I don't know where I will be, or who I will be come.

One year ago, I didn't know I would be doing this.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Vox Populi

I feel sick, emanating from my heart.

Tell-tale signs of a broken heart.

I'm trying to ensure that I learn from my previous lessons. I am keeping busy, I am doing what needs to be done, determined not to let this broken organ deter me from the bigger picture.

But, the tears prick my eyelids as I pack and discard my belongings, a quiver lingers in the corners of my smile, and no matter how I try, my voice just can't be lifted any higher from its monotonous state. It hurts and it is nauseous and it sickens and it weeps and it aches and it cracks with every breath I drag in.

So I am doing things, I am looking normal, I am showered and dressed - but make no mistake.

My foolish heart is shattered and the pieces lie heavy in my chest.