Which is why, when hate and anger entwine their limbs around each other to kapoundkapoundkapound through my veins and in my head....its scary. Especially when I don't know why I am suddenly angry and hateful. Perhaps its all those times when I should have been angry or detesting something, but I shrug it off. Maybe instead of shrugging it off, I just suppress it, and so now......hiissssssss....through my blood like sulphur.
And because I think I need to say it, for the sake of saying it.
I am so, angry.
I really am. I want to unleash it upon someone, to screamroarkickscratchsnarlbite, but I know that:
1. No one really deserves the full brunt of my suppressed-accumulated-anger.
2. No one can withstand it.
3. I'd probably feel guilty about it when I'm deflated again.
I just hope nothing irritates me in the next few days. Even though its often used, but the smallest thing, just might set me off - in an explosion with consequences too messy to clean up after. I desperately want retail therapy. And yes, I know, I know, I am an emotional shopper. But I've been so good this whole year. No emotional shopping (or shopping, for the matter), which for a (former?) shopaholic like myself, is a massive achievement. Heck, I think my last shopping trip was in August. Last year.
It was the Yeojin Bae dress.
I have been told that emotional shopping is bad, because you tend to buy for the sake of buying, so you often end up with foolish purchases instead of wise investments. Oh, and because when you come off the temporary high, the low that comes at you is even more severe than it was previously. And yes, I have been there, so it is true.
After doing the excess shopping and regretting my purchases, my shopping skills have been honed. Honestly. I know what are classic, good buys that I will wear ten thousand times over and never sell even when I'm forty. I don't follow trends, so I won't buy something that will be "out" one week later. And there is a promise that comes, when you buy stuff that you really love, and love the way you look in them. The promise that you will pull yourself out of this shitty mess, so that you can give the item the life it deserves. That you will become a better person, a person that you want to become, by wearing it on your person and making it part of your character. With that promise, any thoughts of just shovelling your face with fat and not washing your face or brushing your hair, wearing daggy trackpants all day and watching Jerry Springer and living a pathetic existence - is tossed out of the window.
You must become worthy of the new clothes. The new you.
Do I sound cuckoo? I suppose I must, for all those who read this and think, "Jeez, I could never place shopping for clothes on such an important/deep level as she does.". But the basic truth is, buying new clothes makes all of us happy. Doesn't matter whether its an emotional crutch for you, or just something that you actually need. It gives us a sense of satisfaction of having fulfilled our "mission", and knowing that we look good in a new way is the cherry on top of a sundae. You just don't want to admit it.
Humans, or more accurately, 21st Century Humans, have their lives centered around their "Wants" rather than "Needs". We've past the Need stage, which was pretty far down the chain, and we've been chugging along the Want track for most of our lives. It is politically wrong, but socially accepted. So, please, don't try and deny it. You might feel a trifle guilty the next time you go shopping, but its not as if you'll take the money that you were planning to spend on a Want and give it to someone who has a Need. Its okay. I will not judge you.
Back on Planet Loren, if I do not go shopping soon, I just might take it out on someone. Someone like Aidan, who is pissing me off by feeding giant sized portions of fuel to my paranoia.
Help me, before I destroy myself.
Or, maybe thats what he wants.... .....