Sunday, January 25, 2009

tilly: 2009...

Following upon Loren's post, I haven't actually decided what I would like to achieve in 2009.

I just know that I have to get through the next week.  I'm not in the best mood.  I'm avoidant.  To everyone.  I'd rather stay in bed all day with my trusty little toy-cow, contemplating whether to cry, whether to clean the microwave, whether to clean the bathroom, whether I should turn the computer on and play sappy songs, whether I should get up and face another day.

I did mention to her that I would like to take up vocal lessons.  So at least I can mildly hold a tune.  And don't make a fool out of myself.  And maybe who knows, I might end up doing this one day.

Ok, remove the flower in the hair and maybe add on a grey singlet with a white tshirt over.  And have very very very short pixie hair.  I am not a beach person.  I love the sun but the heat gives me headaches.  I am a happier person when it is frosty and the skies are grey.  I'd rather come home and put on the fire and have a cup of hot chocolate in front of the fire than coming in from the heat, sticky and hunting for a cold drink to cool down.  I always remember what my Dad used to say, he much prefer the cold because you can always put on more layers to keep warm but when it's hot, how much further can you take off once you reach skin/nakedness.

**cue Loren's little Daddy syndrome comment**


I woke up with a bad dream again.  At about 4am this morning.  I meant to text Loren but I didn't want to risk sending it to the wrong person.  Now, I can't remember it.  I do remember that it wasn't horror.  It was abandonment.

I can't even remember who abandoned me.  It wasn't that I was scared of them abandoning me but it was more the feeling of failure in achieving to keep these people around me.  That after all, I am not good enough.  That all this time my beliefs are wrong.  That it was more I had deceived myself.

Maybe when that day comes I should move to the mountains and have cows and sheep as my companions.

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