Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Loren: There is a temptation to write the things you dont want to hear.

Please admire Australian designer Gail Sorronda's A/W 09 collection, "Ha Ha Battles" while I ramble on about a particular thought in my head.

I have my moments of kindness. But that's all that they are. Mere fleeting moments in a landscape of "This is what it is. Deal with it." that stretches out as far as the eye can see. Truth is, it doesn't quite stem from being realistic or pragmatic, it stems from the hatred of being told by others what the truth of the matter is. There is nothing I detest most, than being taken unawares, in any form. And being gobsmacked because someone tells me something that I didn't even realize was the truth, is at the very top of the list. So I am hard on myself, because I dont wish others to be.

When catastrophes happen, I take a deep breath, and start planning for anything else that could go wrong while searching for the solution to the matter. I am a great fan of Lists, especially those of Pro and Con. Most of my decisions are based on Logic, rather than Emotion, on Need instead of Want - even though sometimes, my Want is crippling in its desire to be fulfilled. That's not to say that I have never been avoidant in my life. I have. It usually lasts for about three days. In the rare extreme situation, a week. But after those few days of denial and wishful thinking, the clamouring voices in my head become too loud to ignore. I have to sort them all out, assess the damages, catergorize my feelings neatly into boxes and schedule them to be dealt with in their proper time and face the immediate problem head on. Even if I end up getting my head chopped off.

But my secret wish, lingering beneath the hard core of my confrontational armor, is to be avoidant and 

To date, the two worst events in my life, in which I was unable to deal with immediately, was the passing of my grandparents, and Mr. Big2.

However, even the latter issue has become a lot better. Packing my things to move again, I came across several things that reminded me of him so much that I couldn't throw them away even six months after his departure. Seeing them would send a fresh batch of tears running silently down my face even while my eyes rolled in disgust at myself. One year and one month later, I held onto them for a long minute, and then dry-eyed, gently put them in the rubbish pile. 

It is better, to just let things go. 

It has taken me time, but I have finally packed up my loose ends towards Mr.Big2. There are a couple of large awkward pieces sticking out of the boxes, which makes it impossible to seal those boxes shut...but at least now, I don't have to samba through the emotional minefield whenever anything Mr.Big2 related appears on the horizon. 
Both my male friends and females have different ways of dealing with problems. For example, Mr. Bishop hurriedly stuffs every memory, every emotion into a corner, and shut the door on the mess. He can actually forget all the details, and resume his life pre-problem. Mr. Gandhi wanders around in a daze, until he thinks that it has all disappeared. But in the future when something strikes a cord similar to the problem, a whole load of crap comes spewing out of every badly healed gash. Miss Yuki fiercely denies the problem ever happened the way it did, and allows it to twist her insides into bitterness. 

I do not know how people can deceive themselves from facts, although I do understand why people choose to avoid dealing with things. It is a lot easier, to be known as a person who is a avoidant, as opposed to being known as a person who is confrontational. Telling people that you're avoidant receives emphatic nods and "So am I!" squeals. Guys chuck you affectionately under the chin at such a girly trait, and feel themselves grow five inches taller to shield you from the big bad things in the world. 

For the latter, you get wary side glances, and you strike fear in people's hearts, since they know that you will tell them like it is, instead of stuffing it politely under the carpet. The great guys will punch your shoulder and treat you like a fellow guy. The less great guys will think it unnecessary to open the door for you, and choose their words with the utmost care when speaking. Trust me, I know. I've done the fieldwork.

The thought, "Maybe I should been have been born a man." has crossed my mind repeatedly throughout my childhood, but has dwindled since my ability to run in heels. However, recently that thought resurfaced with Tilly's emotional outburst to _____________________, I'm respecting her wishes by leaving it blank. Initially peeved by her continuous desire to be avoidant and in denial at the same time (trust her to only be able to multitask the bad things.), it instead gave me thought to the whole Confrontational Vs. Avoidant Issue.

It is quite a pointless issue, with even less bearing on anything of real importance, which is why I have interspersed this rambling with Gail Sorronda's new collection. Perhaps its the way it was shot with the model staring at you directly, maybe because its in black and white giving a funeral air, maybe because the clothes put the details on the outside for the world to see - but it seemed to be the perfect kind of wardrobe for someone of a confrontational nature to go into battle with. Its daring, opinionated, and doesn't take any prisoners. The collection's name is "Ha Ha Battles", which could either mean a battle consisting of laughter, or a someone who has won a battle, and ends up thumbing their nose at the loser tauntingly. 

Of course, I prefer to think of it as the latter.

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